Leftover Chinese Plays the Ponies (again)



What's better than sitting in the office on a mild late summer day? GAMBLING! Once in a while, the bosses decide to give thanks to a client in the form of an outing. Sometimes it's a baseball game. Sometimes it's a boat tour. This particular day...it was a day at the track.

After a quick refresher on the terminology and a check of how much I cash I had in my pocket ($9), we were off to the races. Literally. It's a nine race day and I sat around for eight. I hit one early and frittered away the rest using the following techniques:

- Watch the odds until a few minutes to post time and bet on the horse that didn't show much movement...or one where the odds improved. You're banking that the other gamblers know what's going on.
- Tip the bartender before the race, hoping karma will reward you.
- Pick by colors.
- Favorite Numbers.
- Wackiest names.
- Arbitrary choices.

My final conclusion: It's all luck.

All the records, histories, paragraphs, reports and what not don't really mean a thing. You have no control over the results...a day at the races is like playing nine lotteries except you're tricked into thinking you have a great chance.

Yet...I'd go back in a second.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese and Baseball

The game of baseball is boring to most people. I bet I can make it sound significantly more boring by explaining the essential goal of the game...like a bad textbook:

Nine participants agree to form a squardron. Two squardrons agree to a competition. The competition occurs in an enclosed section of earth with no obstructions on the field of play. The two squadrons also agree to the boundaries of the field of play.

Each squardon alternates turns as offensive or defensive participants. The goal of each offensive participant: run a distance of 360 feet (scoring a run) containing four safe stations (bases) every 90 feet while avoiding any contact with a white ball or reaching one of the four stations before the white ball arrives at that same destination. The goal of each defensive participant: prevent people from covering that 360 feet (preventing runs).

Each squadron has a minimum of twenty-seven attempts (or outs) to score as many runs as possible. The ball is put in play when a defensive participant throws a ball towards an offensive participant holding a club. The offensive participant tries to club the ball into the field of play, but not directly at a defensive participant.

Boring enough for you?

Millions of people each year either participate or watch this game. If you break down actual game action during a basic game I'm guessing there's about ten to thirty seconds of game action for every ten minutes of watching.

So whats the draw?

The game itself involves thousands of different situations and outcomes...and that's before you factor in things spectators can do. Whether it be homeruns, triples, errors, brawls, grandslams, etc...people are willing to wait three hours to see these things happen. If the events happen more than a few times during a game, people will say: "It was a good game."

Why am I telling you this?

I've watched a lot of baseball on TV over the past twenty-some years and I see things that I've always wanted to witness in person. I made a mental list. Some of the items have been crossed off and some I'll probably never see:

Unique Baseball Events Already Witnessed

- Grand Slam (multiple times)
- Triple (once)
- Brawl (infamous cubs/sox brawl)
- Rookie hitting a home run for his first major league hit (last night)
- Two rookies hitting their first career homer in the same game (miller park '05)
- A Pitcher hitting a homerun (wrigley)
- Manager getting into arguments with umpires and getting thrown out of games (multiple times)
- The three hour rain delay (county stadium '89)
- A player jacked-up on steroids hitting a homerun about 500+ feet (wrigley '03)
- Somebody called out at home on a ball thrown from the outfield (county stadium '00)
- Members of Journey singing 'take me out to the ball game' (wrigley '04)
- Drunken spectator tackled by security guards (miller park '06)

Unique Baseball Events I'd Like to Witness

- An old fashioned inside-the-park home run (scoring on a hit that doesn't leave the field of play)
- No-hitter or Perfect game (yes, it would be very boring)
- A participant hitting for the 'cycle' (homerun, triple, double, single)
- A "walk-off" home run (hitting a home run that results in winning the contest)
- A major career milestone (i.e. breaking babe ruth's record, somebody getting their 3000th hit, etc.)
- Triple play (three outs recorded when the ball is put in play once)
- Catching a foul ball or home run
- A mascot getting pummeled by a player or a fan
- A lion attacking a participant as he goes after a ball in play

Unique Baseball Events I'd Rather not Witness

- Spectator falling from the upper deck.
- A pitcher taking a line-drive off his face.
- Anybody breaking a leg while playing.
- Anybody having a heart attack (on or off the field).
- An umpire pulling a gun on a player, or vice versa.

So yeah...that's about it. I guess I've been to a lot of baseball competitions in my life. Feel free to make submissions to the list. I'm sure I missed something.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Does the Fantasy Football Thing



In this particular league, money is involved. I've done the fantasy thing before but never for more than bragging rights. Over the last few leagues I tended to do this: pay attention until my record is 2-6, then stop logging in. 2006 might be different. I'll do what I can to make sure my investment has a chance of coming back to me. Having the first pick (serpentine style, 1-20-21-40-41 etc.), luck was on my side.

I present to thee, the 2006 Sucka Free Foosballers by round:

1 Larry Johnson (RB - KC)
2 Willis McGahee (RB - BUF)
3 Hines Ward (WR - PIT)
4 Matt Hassleback (QB - SEA)
5 Chris Chambers (WR - MIA)
6 Algie Crumpler (TE - ATL)
7 Rod Smith (WR - DEN)
8 Michael Vick (QB - ATL)
9 Deshaun Foster (RB - CAR)
10 Musin Muhammed (WR - CHI)
11 Tampa Bay (Defense)
12 Amani Toomer (WR - NYG)
13 Roberf Furgeson (WR - GB)
14 Dallas (Defense)
15 AJ Smith (TE - PHI)
16 Ryan Longwell (K - MIN)

Observations:
- The talent pool was pretty deep, so this team could either do well or tank.
- I couldn't escape the round of JagerBombs after the eighth round...When in Rome, I guess (or Lincoln Park in this case).
- I should have taken more of a gamble on a few rookies, but this will work.
- I think I know more about pro football than I actually need to know.
- The bar played a lot of music I have in my collection and avoided some of the 90's standards I expected to hear. That helped things a bit.
- Remember when everybody thought Vick was a sure-thing?
- I've guaranteed myself some form of conversation with folks at the office. Sports is pretty much the only networking tool for those who don't want to go out of their way to network.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Goes to the Movies

I'm not much of a movie person. Before tonight and last Tuesday, I think the last movie I attended was either last Christmas or Thanksgiving. Either way, I think I did myself and America a favor when I to paid to witness Snakes on a Plane.

Yes, I know the marketing machine got a bit tiresome. The joke got old after a while. The film became a parody of itself before its own release so what are we supposed to expect? I didn't think anything good would come out of this movie, but I...was pleasantly surprised.

After almost two hours of unnecessary stunts, frontal nudity, Red Bull product placement, gore, profanity, blondes, asian villians, immediate dismissal of the plot's set-up, chauvinist jokes, stupid but funny twists, snakes, and a lot of yelling, I joined the twelve other folks in the theater and applauded.

Well done, Hollywood. Thanks for making one of the worst movies ever made amazingly entertaining.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Gets the Finger

The middle.

Towards the end of my commute home today, we passed a house under construction. There was a kid no older than thirteen on the second floor. Since the possibly vacant house was under construction I assume the kid was doing what my friends would have done at that age: tossing nail clips around, rearranging power tools, etc. As the train passed, the kid was hanging out of the window while waving his middle finger at the passing train. On his face was a stupid-looking grin that only pre-adolescents can produce.

Hoping I wasn't going crazy, I looked around the train to see if anybody else saw the kid. The woman standing next to me nodded and chuckled when I asked if she saw the same thing.

Yep. I'm not going crazy. I probably would have done the same thing 15 years ago...with fireworks.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Enjoys Instant Hilarity

...and on a sleepy Tuesday morning, no less.

- Friend: OMG my boss is cockblockin.
- Leftoverchinese: ?
- Friend: Well, a guy is in here interviewing for a job and hes not only HOT, but a/an [occupation] AND in two bands.

[reason given for how this knowledge is acquired]

- Friend: So I'm all like "Shit, I have to meet him." I'm pretty sure they are going to hire him but I want to meet him and slip him my card with "Hit me with the mule" written on the back.
- Friend: I'm all dressed nicely. My boss said "it'll be awkward for him to meet you. So just hide out."
- Leftoverchinese: Whaaaah.

My advice?

- Leftoverchinese: Okay...so wait for his first day on the job.
- Friend: I know what I'll do today - I have some shit to print, I'll wait until I hear them leaving the conference room and do it so I can scope him.
- Leftoverchinese: Wait for him outside the building if it's around lunch.
- Friend: [preferred 'lol' derivative]
- Leftoverchinese: Borrow a cigarette from somebody so you don't look like a psycho.
- Friend: *rhetorical* "come here often?" Ah yes, become a smoker.

In conclusion:
- 'Hit me with the mule' is as forward as it gets these days.
- I tend to suggest measures that I would never actually attempt on my own.
- My friends are nuts.

Guess the friend and win...well...win nothing. Instant hilarity is its own prize.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Makes a few Subtle Changes

I used to think title pages were a cool way to introduce a website. The original intro (back in the lozone.com days) took about a minute too long, but not as long as one of my old musical voicemail greetings. I changed the intro to a quick referral page a few summers ago. That still wasted the reader's time.

This year's featured improvement: instant blog.

Having moved everything back to the root of the domain name, hose who linked past the title page will now be referred back to the original title page...or something like that. I've made a few subtle changes to the rest of the site for added efficiency. Time to make the donuts.

Quick Summary of the last 50-some hours in my world:
- Reunion Month Continues at a wedding full of old friends from both the High School and College eras.
- Tequila Still tastes like Death.
- Bicycling may or may not be the new running. I should probably destroy my knees from different angles, anyway.
- Reservations are probably best made more than an hour in advance.
- Everything takes time.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Hears That 'Mentioned Twice in 24 Hours' Phrase

Me: "Oh, what's that book about? Is it like Ramona Quimby?"
Friend: "That's the second time in 24 hours somebody mentioned Ramona Quimby to me."

*five minutes later*

Friend: "When we lived in Saudi Arabia, we had a limited number of movies from the USA, Point Break was one of them."
Me: "That's the second time in 24 hours I've had somebody bring up 'Point Break'."

In conclusion...well, there's no conclusion. We all talk about the same stuff independent of context.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese was Right About Reunion Month

So, last night I'm walking down a quiet city side street during a pleasant evening and pass a similar aged couple and their older companion. Lost in conversation, I passed the couple with a blank, but polite nod. A few seconds down the street, I hear my name called. I turned around not quite sure where the name came from. The passing group had stopped and called my name out again. This time I heard my first and last name. It being dusk at the time, I couldn't quite make out familiar faces.

Rhetorical questions instantly popped up: "Who the hell?"; "Did I meet them in public somewhere?"; "It's happening again?"; "How do they know my name?"; "Will this be the first moment in my life where I encounter somebody from my past where I have no recollection of that person?" Well, I didn't phrase the last question like that, but it was similar...

It was Jack; Back in town to visit the Midwest. We went to neighboring high schools that don't usually mix socially, but I we managed to forge a friendship based on P-funk, Led Zeppelin, cruising around Wauwatosa, WI in our respective mini-vans, and a week as band camp roommates in '96. Ask me about that last one sometime.

Not having seen the guy in almost three years and knowing that Gainesville, FL isn't a suburb of Chicago, a sleepy Chicago sidestreet was the last place I expect to run into an old friend. It turns out he was passing through town en route to Milwaukee. He'll be passing through town again later in the week to attend a wedding of one of our good friends. It wasn't exactly a random reunion.

but still...what the fuck are the odds?

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese's Caught in one of Them Crazy Weeks

I spare you half the details...and write a few sentences.

The so-called Garfield randomizer will lead moments and moments of good fun.

The day job teaches me that sometimes people just 'make up the price' without extensive attention to 'forecasts' and 'budgets'. Makes you wonder what else gets arbitrarily priced.

With the cell phone threatening to go on the fritz, I should back up the telephone numbers. The odds of me remembering to do this before the end of the week are...probably slim. It's a pain in the ass.

Six locks stand between the apartment and the outside world. That's six keys if you're scoring at home. It's like an adventure movie each and every time I get home...without the poison arrows or amulets or whatever it is that needs three keys to open.

When it rains. I pours. Feast of famine. Etcetera etcetera. I've already lived a fun-filled week and it's only Wednesday. I wouldn't have it any other way.

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Enjoys Another Reunion Weekend

Last weekend: Hometown friend and transplanted Texan comes to town for a wedding in Walworth County, WI featuring a Neil Young cover band. The groom made a subtle comment about his new wife's pregnancy. It was taken as a joke by most of the attendees. That was fun.

This weekend: College friend and soon-to-be Texan comes to town to visit for the sake of visiting. Upon passing a group of Navy cadets on the street, I asked if he could stop them dead in the tracks and start yelling at them. He said he wasn't the kind of naval officer to do that to people. He did offer up a story about meeting a guy in Maine who claimed to be a former marine officer. The gentleman proceeded to challenge multiple members of my friend's group to a fight...over and over again. That was a funny story.

There's a wedding in two weeks that will feature more people from the hometown. It's reunion month!

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .

Leftover Chinese Sees the People Wait

Noon shows on clock. The technology center announces they'll have to restart the server and to shut down our machines. By the end of the day, this would stand to be the highlight. Sigh.

Some people took the technology break and were off to lunch. Being on the non sales side of the business, only a few people were on the phones. I had a few minutes to kill before lunch, so I did a crossword puzzle. People around me started reading books and the office grew quiet.

Sensing a weird vibe in the air, I took a walk. I saw a few people sitting at their desks staring off into space. Others walked around as if they didn't know what to do next. People in the cafeteria looked out of place and appeared as if they didn't want to be eating lunch at that moment. Seemed like everybody was on pause; waiting for the computers to tell them what to do next.

So this is what the office world was like before 1995, eh?

. . [~] . 0 (Grumble) Grumbles .