Leftover Chinese Finishes off IFAQ Month

What is wrong with Renee Zellweger's face? (reprint)
Jennifer, Queen of the Internets

hear, hear, what the fuck IS wrong with renne zellwegers face, its all asofuihnesovbw30ifunszdsocfn

Jason, Madison. Probably mistaken as me once.

seriously, what is wrong with renee zellwegger's face? and her whole awkward body, for that matter? she stands like a manequin.

Olive, Karaland Illinois

The people have spoken. My audience is mostly concerned about Renee Zelwegger. I finally know my target audience. Back to the matter at hand:

The first time I saw this actress was in Love and a .45. She looked like this.

Apparently, she looks like this these days.

I don't dispute that she stands like a mannequin and on occassion she'll look all asofuihnesovbw30ifunszdsocfn. Well...I think it's called the aging process.

Some people age gracefully and look stunning the whole time. Some people don't age as well. Sometimes it starts early (Britney Spears) and sometimes it starts late (Gary Busey). It hits everyboy at some point, I suppose. So live happy and try to live healthy...

Anyway, this concludes infrequently asked question month. Stay tuned in March for something different...or more of the same.

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Leftover Chinese Continues the Jesus and Romeo Debate

If talking backwards was an Olympic sport, who would win, your dad or Jesus? What if your dad had a mouthful of liquid bees?

- Jesus would win hands down. He'd win the relays as well. My dad would probably qualify but be one of those guys who finishes last at the olympics. If you'd ever seen my dad walk in a shopping mall, you'd understand why I believe this...and yes, my pops' name is Romeo.

- When you're walking backwards in an olympic event...how would liquid bees help?

Tomorrow concludes Infrequently Asked Question Month. Or does it? Help me with a new theme for March.

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Leftover Chinese answers the Eternal Question

Would you rather fight Jesus or your dad? Who would win?

Liam, New York. Bolger. Blogger. Bgoller.

In honor of our Sabbath, i'll tackle this, but not before I complain about how the dry air has cracked my skin on my fingertips by the nails. It makes doing simple things like typing the letter 'l' annoying.

Whereas the Ten Commandments state that one shall 'Honor Thy Mother and Father,' 'Thou shalt not engage your Savior in fisticuffs' is not one of them. On the other hand, I know my father's physical shortcomings in a fight (bad knees, tennis elbow on the dominant hand, 30lb weight disadvantage) and Jesus could be indestructible. This makes it a difficult decision.

Since I wouldn't be violating the Ten Commandments by fighting Jesus, I'd go with that...but I'd lose. If I'm looking for surefire victory and condemnation to hell...i'd fight my dad. It's a toss up.

I suggest that my dad and Jesus duke it out first to see who I would have to fight. I'll be waiting in the octagon.

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Leftover Chinese Answers the Tough One

What is the meaning of file?

Dan, nee Naperville. Rapped about Rush. Calculus Class. South Side.

It's a bright and chilly Saturday morning. Breakfast consumed. Kitchen sink cleared. My apartment hasn't been this clean all-around in months. I don't want to do anything that involves spending money, so it looks like I finally get a relaxing day in the clean abode. With a clean house and clear mind, I shall ponder the meaning of file...while Rush's "2112" rock opus quietly, but intensely, fills the other room.

(And the meek shall inherit the earth...*rock out*)

According to dictionary dot com, the archaic definition of file means "to defile." so there's no help there. The next definition seems to be "Powdered sassafras leaves used to thicken and season soups, stews, and gumbos." After that, we're talking about "hardened steel tools with cutting ridges for forming, smoothing, or reducing especially metallic surfaces." Still further, the word can mean "a cabinet or folder" or "a collection of papers or published materials kept or arranged in convenient order" or "a collection of related data or program records stored as a unit with a single name" or "put or keep in useful order for storage or reference" or "to march or walk in a line" or "to make application." Those are the just main definitions.

(Is it obvious I haven't written a research paper in over seven years?)

In conclusion, like its more popular sibling 'life', "file" has plenty of meanings. It just depends on how you want to use it.

Bonus conclusion: the end lyrics of "2112"

Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation
Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation
Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation
We have assumed control
We have assumed control

We have assumed control

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Leftover Chinese Reveals an Answer

can I have $5?

Will, The Internet

No.

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Leftover Chinese Answers a Question and Curses Blogger

So on Friday, I answered the movie question. Blogger was nice enough to eat the post. I'm too lazy to reprint it so I'll sum it up. I didn't list my top four, just two candidates for what could be my forth place 80's action/adventure movie. The two candidates were Commando and Bloodsport. You can guess the reasons.

So as to make it up for Jennifer (Queen of the Internets), I'll answer the rest.

What is wrong with Renee Zellweger's face?

This will feature a three part answer. Part one: I don't know. I'll take a look and get back to you. I'm thinking gravity and a bad agent or publicist had something to do with it.

I'm tired of hearing about Chuck Norris all over the internets. What about you?

Yep...but only the "facts" about him are annoying. I suggest you watch a few Chuck Norris movies to see why this came about in the first place. Just don't start with Sidekicks.

Marshmallows or Salmon. CHOOSE!

A few fridays ago, I managed to stuffed marshmallows in my mouth to get bonus points in a contest. The entire time, I was thinking about that little girl who choked to death during school playing that game. Nine marshmallows later, I gave it up. Good times.

My mom makes canned salmon from time to time. Throw some lemon juice and pepper on that ho and you got yourself a quick meal.

Leftover Chinese goes with what won't kill me. SALMON.

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Leftover Chinese Answers Another Question



Where will the Brewers finish this year in the NL Central?

Justin, Around the Neighborhood

In honor of spring training beginning this weekend and the current temperature out there this morning, let's dream about the upcoming season de beisbol. Some facts about the brewers:

Last year's record : 81-81
Key Departure : Lyle Overbay
Key Acquisition : Cory Koskie, Danny Kolb, and all those kids they got in the Overbay trade.
Number of players on 40 man roster younger than me: 21
Currently Listening to : Rollo Tomassi
Outside Temp: 0 degrees Fahrenheit
Brewer Hats in my living room : 3
Attempt to take back Miller Park : Here
Stupidest trade rumor I've heard : Carlos Lee going back to the White Sox in July
Sausage Grand Slam : Hot dog, Bratwurst, Italian, Polish.

So this young team has another year of experience under manager Ned Yost. If you've been watching the past few years, you'll notice that when the team is down by two runs in the seventh inning they don't give up anymore. I watched quite a bit of the 106 loss season (2002) on TV and you could tell that as soon as they were down a bit in the game, the players were already talking amongst themselves about hot women in the stands, the buffet spread, and how to get out of Milwaukee.

These days the team focuses for 9 innings and if they're down by a few runs with an inning to go, they'll still put a few men on base and make the opposing team nervous. Putting yourself in situations like that during every game will lead to a few more wins a month.

In regards to the team, I wasn't quite sure about the Koskie trade. First off, why trade for somebody already over the hill in baseball terms when you've got a few big bats ready to go? It seems that the same thing is happening to Billy Hall that happened to Mark Loretta few years ago. A consistent .300 hitter, speedy runner, okay defensive player who thrives with playing time is sent to the bench as the guy at "second, third, or short depending on which regular starter sucks." Makes it hard to be productive...and if you're already kind of an ass to everybody on the team, this arrangement won't help you out. That could mean a few extra losses.

Back to this season's squad. They can get by without Ben Sheets but for it to be what they call a 'special season' he'll need at least 20 wins. They lose the run producing Overbay, but replace him with Fielder's bat and a Richie Weeks with a year under his belt. A big year from starters four, five, and Geoff Jenkins will make it interesting.

here is a hasty rundown of the rest of the division:

St. Louis - Still the best team in the division, if not the league, but they're getting older.
Houston - They went for all the marbles last year, I don't see it happening again.
Pittsburgh - One of these years, they'll win 70.
Chicago - Tribune media says: "Get ready for a championship run, folks"
Cincinnati - They won't get it right.

So...where does that leave us?

Optimistic Prediction: Milwaukee will finish in Second place and a few games out of the wildcard

Realistic Prediction: Third place, but with more than 81 victories.

Happy spring training, folks. Don't blow out your shoulders.

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Leftover Chinese Provides More Answers

How is Boots sooooo... cute? Do you ever think that girls date you just for the cuteness of Boots?

- Emily, South of Here.

In the spirit of the holiday, let's talk about this issue. Two part question:

1) If you sit down and think about the concept of cute, you start to lose sight of what it means to be cute. Perhaps I never really understood the word itself. When people use that term, I usually take their word for it. I'll tell you one thing, though...it creeps me out when my eldest brother refers to something as cute...but I digress...

I look at the cat and he's not ugly. It's mostly genes and luck. You never know what type of cat you'll get. I caught a break.

2) I've been too busy to date since I took the little critter home, but I'm thinking that using the cat's face as a reason to coax a woman back to the abode won't exactly seal the deal....Especially if you're not into cats. Let's pretend we're in the shoes of a non cat-woman...

Consider the following Leftover Chinese factoids:
- Single
- Doesn't Date Often
- Twenty Seven
- Sees parents about once a month
- Lives Alone
- Owns a cat

Not exactly a winning hand at first glance. I think I might have a few other distractions going on that paint a somewhat normal picture. Long answer short: I didn't hire the cat to seal the deal...he's just there to give me tips.

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More Answers from Leftover Chinese

These two relate:

Explain why you are from Wisconsin and yet hate cheese so much.

- Brooke-field, Over there

Why is chocolate milk that you buy at the store so much thicker than the chocolate milk that you make at home even though you may or may not have possibly spent hours of your life trying to make store-like chocolate milk at home?

- Emily, South of Here

Both questions can be answered with too much information. I know nothing about cheese or its cousin milk. Somewhere growing up, I must have gotten myself really sick. I dislike the taste of milk. The smell of certain cheeses nauseates me and I used to be able to eat pizza without any problems. Used to. So to answer your questions:

1) Cheese makes me sick. Sicker than Wisconsin.
2) I'm guessing they blend coca into the milk and you're actually drinking a fusion of milk and chocolate (dare I say, Compound). The stuff made at home is just a mixture (dare I say, like air).

In conclusion. Dairy makes me sick.

Bonus Question: How Many Episodes of Gimme a Break! did I watch this weekend?

Author

Three. Two were funny, one was very depressing.

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Leftover Chinese Answers

What good is rock 'n' roll to a deaf pauper?

- Casey, Texas

Did you ever read Twain's 'The Prince and the Pauper'? I don't really remember what happens, but I think one guy finds an identical looking guy and they switch places for a few weeks. Hilarity ensues and everybody learns the meaning of humble...maybe. Anyway, I think I got the book from the Scholastic book club in the fourth grade. I'm not sure why I picked that book from the list. I have a point here. I hear or see the term 'pauper' and my mind is instantly flashes back to the physical book and its cover. I probably spent more time staring at the cover than reading the book.

To answer the question: Rock 'n Roll still has value to a deaf pauper. They just have to watch, pay attention, and read biographies. I think that kid in Mr. Holland's Opus was deaf. He liked Rock 'n Roll...but I don't think he was a pauper.

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Leftover Chinese Answers

Can you explain why your moustache grows so much faster than anyone else's on the planet?

- Quinn, North of Here

Only the moustache grows. No hair on the cheeks. No hair on the chest. No hair on the back. I'm guessing all the hormones sent to grow hair on the body of a normal human being (everywhere) funnel to just a few places on my body (not everywhere). Whether by luck or design, the moustache is one such location and the hair is thick. Sometimes people will ask me if I'm growing my moustache out after only a day and a half.

I'm letting myself go this week...so stop by and take a look. Ugly is the word.

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Leftover Chinese Begins to Answer the Infrequently Asked Questions

When will I answer America's burning questions?

- author, The Internet.

Tomorrow. I could use a break.



Tomorrow. Paupers. Moustaches. Renee Zelweggers Face.

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